Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sext me about skeletons
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
