I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize