i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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