I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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