Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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