she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize