I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
