My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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