I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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