They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
