Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
