Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
