my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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