I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
