i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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