I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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