We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
