mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
