He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
