oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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