I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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