I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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