Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
