I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
