i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Randomize
