How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
