he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
