youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
