I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
