I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize