i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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