I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
