dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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