im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
