his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
