OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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