Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
