If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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