It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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