I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
