I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
