Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize