Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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