You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
