he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
