So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
