last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
