one word: firstdatebathroomanal
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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