I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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