C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize