You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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