Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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