i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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