I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
