it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
