Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
