can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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