Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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