im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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