I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize