my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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