and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
