yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
