The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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