Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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